Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
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