the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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