i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
