My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
