don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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