I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Randomize
