a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize