Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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