I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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