a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
