i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm sobbing to NWA
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
