Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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