Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
