I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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