Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
