you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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