i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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