He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
