Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
