FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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