i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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