while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
