I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
