Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize