Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
