A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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