Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
