I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
