This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
