kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
