: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize