Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
