You smell like a Billy Joel song
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
