There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
