"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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