So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
