My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
