I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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