Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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