Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize