literally had 100 drinks last night.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
