I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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