tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
