Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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