Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize