I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I look better un-naked...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
