the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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