you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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