I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
