he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
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