I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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