im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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