I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
