i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
