I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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