I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
farters have to be the big spoon...
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
