Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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