that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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