Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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