Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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