I was born with a shot glass in my hand
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
