Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
