i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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