I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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